American Housewife: Stories by Helen Ellis

Author:Helen Ellis
Language: eng
Format: mobi, azw3
Tags: Literary, Humorous, Contemporary Women, Short Stories (Single Author), Fiction
ISBN: 9780385541046
Publisher: Doubleday
Published: 2016-01-12T05:00:00+00:00

Honestly, there is nothing I will not do to be the very best hostess.

If you agree to join Book Club, Jane will let you live in one of her empty rooms, perhaps the one next to the terrarium, and she will pay off every cent of your debt. Under Bethany’s watchful eye, Dr. Uh-Oh will perform your first insemination, for which Jane will pay you handsomely. And I mean, George Clooney handsomely.

You’ll surrogate Marjorie’s baby first because she’s suffered the most losses. Then Bethany’s, because by that point she’ll be ready to embrace the fact that having it all can be just a couple of things and one of those things doesn’t have to be birthed the old-fashioned way. The ladies on the red sofa will draw straws to decide who uses you next. The ladies on the gray sofa will play rock-paper-scissors. And then—only if you are physically able, my dear—Aretha would appreciate a do-over.

I will be in charge of blackmailing her husband.

Oh, don’t look so surprised, dear. Win, lose, or jars, we’ll never reject you like that ex-husband of yours.

Delores knows this from firsthand experience. Her mother swore Delores was as fertile as a Duggar, so we took her into our fold with great expectations, but we all know how that turned out. A twisted uterus can’t catch.

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